At Last They Meet

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OK, I admit, I skipped some parts of the story, but writing this passage got me so excited I simply had to share it. Read The Job Interview and First Day at Work first for a little introduction into the characters.

I’m half asleep, nearly swallowed up by the massive sofa and no longer really registering the blue flicker of the TV, when I hear the doorbell. I glance at the clock, 1 am, who’s at the door at fucking 1am?

I get up to check, smoothing down my pjs as best I can but I know I look like I’ve just woken up. Well tough, whoever it is will just have to deal with it if they’re going to come to my place this late.

I open the door slightly with the chain on, and catch a glimpse of John. I immediately close the door again to open the chain and open wide to let him in. He looks upset, the smell of booze hangs around him.

“What the fuck, Cath!” He’s slurring his words. “Why? Why do you toy with me?”

“Umm, not sure what you’re talking about, John” I step back, giving him space to enter.
He staggers into the kitchenette and leans on the counter, his head hanging down. What’s made him so upset?

“What do you mean, toy with you?” I ask.

“You know, acting all nice. If I didn’t know any better I’d think you were dropping hints. You think you’re the first to do this? You think I’d fall for it? And then you leave me this..” He shows me the crumpled up piece of paper in his hand. The note I’d left in his bag earlier that day.

“Fall for what?” I ask, while putting my hand on his arm. He flinches as soon as I touch him.

“This, what the fuck is this?” He gestures down at my hand, then looks at me. His expression is wild, angry, yet the anger does not extend to his eyes.  “It might not be a big deal to you, just a gesture, but don’t you understand… this drives me crazy!”

“Oh but it is a big deal to me.” I whisper.

“And I know, that sooner or later, when I can’t take it anymore, and I want more,” he continues to rant, “it’ll be like I’m fucking 15 all over again. If you are actually as nice as you pretend to be, you’ll let me down easy – say you just wanna be friends…”

He is looking down at the floor again, I can see tears in his eyes. I can’t believe it, he actually likes me that way. All this time it had felt like I was talking to a wall, like nothing I did could make him notice me as anything other than a colleague. But he had noticed, and misunderstood me completely.

“John,” I say, while taking his face in my hands. “You don’t understand.” I can feel tears welling up in my eyes too as I look at his troubled expression, but his gaze evades mine. I stand up on my toes, our faces only inches apart now. “I’ve had a crush on you since I first saw you…”

His eyes widen in disbelief, and our lips meet in a near perfect first kiss. Hesitant and gentle, his lips so soft against mine it makes me ache for more. One tear is started to run down my face as I kiss him, I drink in his scent, although masked by how much he’s had to drink, I can still taste him. My hands have moved on, fingers running through his hair and pulling him down into me. He is starting to react, returning my kisses, until we’re both equally breathless. I coax his lips open more, allowing my tongue to find his, dancing around it. While our tongues meet, it’s as if the floodgates open inside of me, releasing all the desire I had locked up inside. Blood rushes outwards from my core into even the farthest parts of my body until even my fingertips are buzzing. His large, strong hands find their way onto my back. He holds me so tightly against him. I can feel his warm body crushing against me and it drives me wild with pleasure. I’d been dreaming of this moment so many times and it does not disappoint. I take a step back, and he abruptly releases me.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…” he stammers.

I shake my head and smile, and pull him towards the sofa by his hand.

“I’m not sorry,” I say, pushing him down, “I’ve been wanting to do this for so long…”

The disappointment that had appeared in his eyes is replaced by surprise again. I kneel next to him on the sofa, leaning in for another kiss. The excitement inside me is growing with every shallow breath I take and I can tell I’m having a similar effect on him. I keep losing myself in the moment, the only thing reminding me this isn’t just a dream is when I manage to open my eyes every so often and see is face right in front of mine. He’s here with me, finally, I can hardly believe it. His eyes seem to be losing focus, as though the long day as well as the drink is catching up with him.

“You look knackered,” I say, while tracing the tired lines under his eyes. “Here.”

I hand him the nearly full glass of water that has been sitting on the coffee table for the better part of the evening.

While watching him drink, and in spite of the fire he stirred in me I can feel how exhausted I am myself. He’s here now. We have nothing but time, and I’d rather have him sober before we do anything else.

To find out what happens next, take a look at Morning After.

Kinks & Fantasies 2 – Food

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It is a well known fact that some foods are considered to work as aphrodisiacs; Oysters or chocolate for example. I’ve never tried oysters so I cannot comment on them but like most women I am a firm believer that chocolate can at least cause happiness, if not arousal. Really though, there is more to food than just the way certain items are meant to affect us physically. I’ve not chosen my pen name without reason, I am a hedonist indeed. I seek pleasure and food can be oh so good at delivering just that.

Have you ever eaten something so lush and tasty, that it left you speechless? That you sat still, eyes glazed over, with the spoon still in your hand in mid air, savouring the moment? Whether jokingly or otherwise, certain foods can actually be “better than sex” or at least as good as. But how good would it be to combine the two?

I’m not sure our brains really differentiate between different types of pleasure. And when arousal heightens our senses, what would be better than to stimulate our taste buds as well.

Sometimes I fantasise about becoming a living buffet. Laying out delicious foods over my naked body in a flattering and tempting manner. Rather than wear pretty underwear to keep some of the mystery alive, I could use lusciously rich icing, piped over myself in an intricate pattern, covering my nipples instead as a tastier alternative to pasties. I’d lie back, waiting to be discovered, hoping he’s hungry for the Belgian chocolates I’ve stuck against me with more icing just circling around my belly button. Wishing he will enjoy the process of discovering my exposed body underneath the tasty treats. And hopefully receiving the benefits of his increased pleasure after reaching a chocolate and sugar high from licking me clean of icing.

Who’s hungry?

First Day at Work

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This is part two in a longer story, please read The Job Interview first.

For these past two weeks it seemed as though time was moving at a crawl. The job promises to be the usual 9-to-5 drudgery but I can hardly contain my excitement. The reason is of course the prospect of working with Jonathan, I wonder if my memory could be deceiving me. I suppose I’ll find out soon enough if he’s really as gorgeous as I recall.

My buzzing phone brings me back to reality. A text message from my best friend, Jase. “Best of luck, girl. Go kick some ass!”

It makes me smile. Of course he remembered, I haven’t been able to shut up about this job ever since the interview. Well, not about the job, but about the guy. Same thing really.

Now, what to wear… After pulling out nearly half the contents of my wardrobe and dumping it on the bed I settle on a slightly too tight plum pencil skirt and a cowl neck black pullover. A tad more conservative than my usual style, but I wouldn’t want to fall foul of any yet to be discovered dress code. Plus there is still that sleazy idiot, Dick Porter to contend with. A pair of back seam tights and heels should do nicely to keep things interesting.

I’m 15 minutes early coming out of the elevator at my new office. Most of the desks are still empty, as is the office in the corner.  I’m guessing Dick doesn’t take punctuality to extremes himself. Good.

I hesitate a bit on the office floor, looking around for any familiar faces. Sharon –  Dick’s assistant – is just now walking into the office as well. She is quite imposing, a bit taller than me and slightly heavier build as well as impeccably dressed. There appears to be an air of self importance surrounding her, but I don’t want to judge too quickly and give her a friendly smile.

“Hello, I’m Cath. We met two weeks ago when I came in for my interview. Today is my first day..”

“Oh yes, Catherine. Richard isn’t in yet, he’ll be here at nine. Why don’t you take a seat over there -“ Her tone sounds authoritative but polite. “- and make yourself comfortable.” She gestures towards the right side of the office where I already expected to be sitting.

“Thanks,” I mutter while looking around anxiously for Jonathan. There is a backpack lying on what I remember to be his desk but he’s not around. So I put my stuff on the desk right next to him and sit down to wait. If there was any way I could be more nervous than I already had been since last night, now would be the time.

“Hi.” His baritone voice behind me makes me jump up instantly.  It sounds pleasantly warm but slightly raspy as though he’s fighting a cold.

“Err, Hi. I’m Cath Davies. I mean my full name is Catherine but nobody actually calls me that. They tell me I’m going to be working with you…” I babble, my nerves already getting the better of me.  I look at his face while offering my hand to greet him formally. Gorgeous as I remembered. But in spite of the rose tinted specs which are currently clouding my vision, I can’t ignore that he looks tired. His formerly flawless face is showing the signs of stress or sadness, I’m not sure which. Grey circles under his eyes are the most obvious indicator, paired with slightly puffy eyelids. Even his skin tone has changed from the healthy subtle tan I remember to ashen and dull. I fight the urge to stare, my fingers itching to reach up and touch his face.

“Yes indeed. I’m John Hall,” he says as we shake hands.  His hand slightly colder than mine but strong, it takes a lot of willpower to let go..

I hold my breath to fight my nerves and look into his eyes momentarily. They’re a warm shade of amber, but at the same time betray more than the rest of his appearance has already done. Tired and empty. Looking into them feels like a stab right through the heart, forcing me to look away again.

I dare not look make eye contact again all morning while he is giving me the introduction on all the systems I’m supposed to be using. There is no hint of small talk, only work and even then he is a man of few words.

Whenever I glance at his face, I notice he’s consistently avoiding the sight of me. If he’s not looking at the computer screen, he’s leafing through the mountain of papers on his desk. Now I’m not expecting every man to act like Dick – pervert – Porter and shamelessly ogle my boobs all day (I can only imagine how he’s looking at me while I’ve got my back turned). But to avoid looking in my direction completely is another unusual extreme. And it’s especially frustrating because I really want him to notice me.

While John busies himself with some papers in the filing cabinet behind his desk, I allow my eyes to wander. Ever since I could remember I’ve liked men with a bit of meat on them. I don’t quite understand it, I don’t have any identifiable reason for this preference. But I’ve long given up trying to analyse myself. All I know is, I want to feel his soft skin under my fingertips. I want his belly brushing against me as he leans down for a kiss. I want…

“So,” says a familiar voice behind me, shattering the devious fantasy I had started to play out in my head, “how are you enjoying your first day?” Dick. His presence makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and not in a good way.

“Great,” I say, “there’s so much to learn.”

“Good, good. Carry on!” I can hardly suppress a sigh of relief as he stalks off towards another cluster of desks.

“What time is lunch?” I turn to ask John.

“10 minutes.”

The lunchroom is spacious and bright. There is a buffet of sandwiches on offer and a suspicious looking “Soup of the day”. I buy myself a ham and cheese sandwich and join a group of women who are already sitting and chatting at one of the two large tables. There is no sign of John.

“Hi, I’m Cath. I’ve just started today,” I introduce myself as the 7 or so women give me the visual once over. The only one I’ve already met is Sharon, who gestures at me to sit down next to her.

“Catherine, join us. I’ll introduce everyone.” She’s smiling at me but her eyes look guarded. Maybe my first impression was correct after all, looks like she is the big gun of office politics. Sharon quickly rattles through the names of everyone at the table.

“This is Linda, Shelley, Jessica, Miranda, Heidi and Jackie.”
I nod at them before taking a seat.

“So, Cath. How do you like Aspect so far?” The woman further along the table asks, I think her name is Miranda but I’m not entirely sure. Her smile seems a tad more genuine than Sharon’s, but perhaps she’s just a better actress.

“Oh, it seems nice. Of course I’m just overwhelmed at all the new things I’m supposed to learn.”

“Right. So you’ve been paired with John,” she says.  I can detect a hint of contempt as she speaks his name.  “How’s that going?”

“Fine… He seems knowledgeable,” I say.

“He should be, he spends more time here than at home. Sometimes I wonder if he has a bed hidden in the office supply room,” one of the others buts in. The group laugh in response.

I smile politely and eat my food. The group moves on to other topics such as TV talent shows and Big Brother. Exactly the type of things I have nothing to say about.

***

Fucking great. Not only have the past two weeks been hell, now that moron Richard has me train his insufferable new recruit.

I had caught a glimpse of her from behind as she arrived for her interview. Exactly Richard’s type. Long legs leading up to probably the greatest ass ever to have set foot in this building. I’m sure she’ll fit right in with Sharon and her gang, so why couldn’t one of them train her?

This whole thing must be his idea of a joke, parading her in front of me for a few days before swooping in for the kill. She will most definitely go for it too, they always do.

I hadn’t even seen her up close until this morning. She’s his ultimate check list personified; gorgeous figure, curves in just the right places, obvious underneath the slightly clingy outfit she’s wearing. And her face…  I am not the type of guy who tends to objectify women, far from it. But this one- I can’t even look at her without having to fight one physical reaction or other. So I’ve been trying my best to ignore her. I just want to get this training over with, preferably without making a total ass of myself.

I look at my watch, lunchtime is almost over. Back to the grind… Quickly I hide the bottle of vodka behind the stack of unused copier paper.

When I get to my desk she is already sitting at her computer, peering at the screen with intense focus. I sit down and retrieve the sheet with today’s training topics from the mess on my desk. The letters are blurring a little, but I can just about manage. At least I’ve managed to numb myself a bit. Here goes nothing…

“Let’s continue, shall we?” I say, wishing for the day to just end.

I’ve just added a new part to this story – At Last They Meet, admittedly skipping some bits to get there. If you want the full thing, you’ll just have to wait until the book is ready 😉

Not Enough – II

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Note: Please read 1 August 2006 and Not Enough – I first to get the full story.

2 August 2012. Another day, a fresh start? I’m not sure I believe in that cliché but I do feel a little better today. At least I’ve had a good night’s sleep. My alarm hasn’t yet gone off but that’s only a matter of 5 minutes. Not too shabby considering I am currently reconsidering my entire life.

Of course he’s still asleep, looking at him makes me smile. Would I want to give this up? Not really. I like waking up next to him. To have someone I can cuddle with when I’ve had a bad dream. Someone who will make fun at me when I am being my stupid clumsy self; making me laugh when I’ve stubbed my toe hard on the coffee table leg. Again. He has an odd way of showing his love for me at the best of times but I know he’s sincere.

But I AM jealous. Why? I wish I was a stronger, more confident person. (I also wish I was 3 dress sizes slimmer, had bigger boobs and didn’t have two left feet, alas I can’t have everything!)

I turn towards him and half asleep he hugs me and I press my face into his bare chest. His scent is intoxicating, as it’s always been.  I hug him back and run my hand over his shoulders and back. Almost immediately he moves closer, pressing his hips against me. I can feel that he’s ready. He usually is in the morning. Nevermind, strike that last part. He usually is, the horny bastard. His eyes open slowly and he looks at me half sleepy half aroused.

“Morning” I kiss him softly and he responds by returning the kiss deeply and passionately. His tongue runs over my teeth, plays with the tip of mine and he pulls me closer into his embrace. A kiss like this can only mean one thing, he wants me. Or does he really? Does he want me or do I just happen to be convenient at this time?

We kiss some more as he runs his hand over my back, down to my ass.  He grabs a handful and squeezes it firmly. I quickly try to shake off my negative thoughts, I can do without the mindfuck right now! Let’s just focus on what’s in front of me. As he presses into me slowly but firmly I can feel he’s fully erect. He feels so good, his body moulded against mine, I want more. I guide his hand up over my hips and side to my breasts. He loves fondling them, playing with my nipples. In fact he can grope like an overeager teenager even now while in his thirties. It tickles like hell when I’m not in the mood. But right now, I’m loving it.

I run my hand in a circular motion over his ass cheek, down over the back of his thigh and around his hip until I’m caressing his cock slowly. His whole body shudders as I touch him there. He moans softly and presses his face into the side of my neck, kissing and softly sucking the skin  in that special spot where it is most sensitive. It gives me goose bumps every single time. I may not feel the same passion for him as in the beginning, but he certainly does not leave me cold either. Already, I am getting moist between my thighs.

“I love you,” he whispers in my ear, “don’t ever leave me…”

Oh he knows how to charm the pants off a woman, the player!

“Take me then, I’m all yours!” I moan.

I wiggle out of my panties as I turn onto my back. He quickly takes off his PJ bottoms, letting his fully erect cock spring forward, pointing right at me. It knows exactly where it wants to go! He gets on top of me, kissing me deeply again. I can feel my breathing changing, and he hasn’t even entered me yet. I grab his cock, it is rock hard in my hand as I squeeze my hand the way he likes it. Irresistible silky soft skin. He comes closer, so I can almost guide him inside me but holds back. He loves to tease. All I can manage is to brush his foreskin against my now dripping wet lips. Round and round a few times, it excites him as much as it does me. I want it in me so badly but he won’t let me have it yet. He loves to watch me squirm.

“Oh please, what are you waiting for?” I plead. He just looks at me and smiles wickedly. Nothing can wake him up as quickly as the prospect of sex.

“Why, what do you want?” Of course, he’s toying with me. That’s what he does. It’s what he enjoys.

“You, in me, now!” I breathe. I can hardly take it, he’s so close to me and yet it feels so far away.  He’s supposed to be all mine, and that bitch he’s been talking to can go to hell for all I care.

Finally he gives in, lowers himself down. He feels so big as he enters me that I can’t help but cry out.

“Ohhh yes!” I grab both his ass cheeks and pull him deep into me.

He complies and I can feel him filling me up completely. Any bigger and it would be painful, any smaller and I doubt I’d be satisfied.  The first few strokes are slow and gentle, but quickly he’s picking up pace. I am still holding on to him and pulling him into me all the way.  I look up at him and he looks gorgeous, his messy shoulder length hair frames his face and his eyes seem like they’re burning into my soul. He can certainly be difficult to read, doesn’t like to express his feelings, except during sex. Then he comes to life.

There’s a sparkle in his eyes as he looks at me. By now he’s moving faster, pounding me, encouraged by my fingers digging into his skin. He leans in for another deep kiss, this time it’s wilder, messier. But he doesn’t stop moving. I grind my hips upwards to meet his, finding my rhythm , getting ever wetter and more slippery. As I tighten myself, stimulating his full length inside me with every movement I can tell he’s getting closer to match my excitement. I moan with anticipation, grinding faster, tightening more.
“Oh baby, fuck me harder!”

I catch a glimpse of him still staring at me, a subtle smile on his face. My eyes close involuntarily and my neck arches backwards. He’s really picked up speed now, he’s fucking my brains out and I love it. I’m so close, it feels amazing. I contract and release my pelvic muscles again and again until I feel the warm tingling sensation of an orgasm envelop me completely.

“Ahhh! I’m yours, take me with all you’ve got!” By now I have very little control over my muscles, I try to keep up with his rhythm grinding my hips, but I miss a few beats as I’m trembling with the aftershocks of my orgasm. He’s slamming into me hard now, again and again and suddenly he freezes as his cock inside of me twitches violently and he releases. He’s fully tensed up and I’m still holding on to his hips, now I’m grinding against him with newfound energy, trying to make this moment last just a little bit longer.

As he catches his breath he’s still got a glimmer in his eyes “Waking me for sex? Hmmm?”

I feign innocence. “I’ve no idea what you’re talking about, I was sleeping…”

We’ve just got time for a quick shower each before rushing to work.

Sex on a working day morning isn’t all that common, though it does happen every other week or so. In fact I don’t feel our sex life is all that bad considering we’re not newlyweds anymore. We manage a few times a week mostly, but I guess it’s too much of the same old moves for him. I like the idea of being adventurous, but not the reality. And I rarely make the first move. I know he dislikes this about me, but before him I could happily go without sex for months. Or at all. This is a huge change from the old me and he knows it.

But I guess it’s not enough.

The day is not very memorable from then onwards. After work we cuddle up on the sofa and watch some TV. My mind is elsewhere though, mulling over everything that’s happening. I want him to be happy, and if that means letting go a bit and giving him more freedom, perhaps that’s the right thing to do… After all we did talk about this before, the rational part in me agrees with him.

“I’ve got a few rules,” I interrupt the TV, “Not in our bed. I don’t want to come home and have our bed smell of someone else.”

He nods.“Alright… I don’t think I’d want to bring her here anyway.”

“And you don’t make me feel secondary – ever.”

“I would never. ”

“You wear a condom. And you tell me immediately if it’s more than just sex…”

We’re both quiet for a few minutes. “Does she know that I know?”

“No, our relationship is none of her business,” he says.

I quietly start watching TV again. He puts his arm around me and caresses my hair as I lean it against his shoulder.

“Oh, The Fugitive is on, we haven’t seen that for a while..” His seemingly innocent remark makes me chuckle. They’ve been showing that film every day for a week now.

“You do know you’re the only one for me, right? Who else would put up with me watching the same shitty movies over and over… Who else do I talk to? Thanks for letting me be myself.” He whispers. I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths. Maybe it’ll work out this way.

While we get ready for bed, his phone buzzes a few more times.

“I said good night already, pesky woman!” He mutters under his breath.

Is the appeal waning already? 23 days to go…

Continue to Not Enough – III…

Not Enough – I

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Note: This really needs to be read after my previous blog entry 1 August 2006 which serves as a prologue to this true story.

It’s the 1st of August 2012, 25 days left until my husband is going to fuck another woman.

He’s asleep next to me but I am awake, confused. I can’t help but stare into the darkness, my eyes welling up again and again. It feels like I’ve been lying here like this for hours, my head is throbbing as I keep trying to swallow the urge to cry. And the stupid thing is I’m not sure why I’m so upset. I’ve always considered myself to be rational and open minded. I’ve never fully understood the limitations our society imposes on relationships, why one should be monogamous. Why not live for the day, enjoy life and follow your desires?

We’ve had this discussion a number of times, even before we became a couple we spoke about how couples with open relationships or open marriages have it all figured out. Only the lucky few manage to find a partner who is totally compatible in every way even sexually.  And whether or not the relationship survives this incompatibility depends on your priorities I suppose.

Until very recently I would’ve said we’re happily married. Of course we argue – viciously even. With the kind of rage that can only be ignited in people who have felt real passion for one another.  But I wouldn’t have thought this was odd in any way, after all we’ve been married nearly five years. And we’re both extremely stubborn people. Until recently I would’ve said we were content, used to each other’s strange habits, finding common ground often in our varied likes and dislikes. But he’s not content. We’re just not compatible in the bedroom.

The topic has come up so often I’ve lost count. He knew very well what he was getting himself into because I’d told him beforehand about my relationship with my ex. It resembled more of a platonic friendship towards the end. We hardly had sex, we had hardly experimented with anything, I was pretty inexperienced.

Then along comes this passionate man, who knows what he likes and takes it, often. He could probably go for days without food if he was given enough “distraction”. In the beginning of our relationship sparks would fly whenever we spent time together. Our hormones went absolutely wild and we could not keep our hands off each other. Over time this passion ebbed away, but only from my side. I have no doubt that he could still keep up the same level of lust. He wants things in the bedroom that I cannot provide. I can’t be ready and willing all the time. It’s not that I reject him every time he’s in the mood, but I guess he notices that I’m not as much into it as he is.

So when he told me two days ago, that he’s been texting with one of his colleagues – flirting – it wasn’t all that surprising. Apparently she has similar tastes, and she’s in a relationship of her own with a man who’s not all that into sex. Little things like that don’t tend to wind me up. I don’t care if he looks at other women, watches porn or chats to his ex online even. In fact the latter I find highly amusing, how could a former couple be any more different.

I trust him completely; he’s never given me a reason not to. But then he said “You know how you keep telling me I should find someone else to fill the gap in our sex lives… She’s home alone on the 25th…”. I kept quiet but my feelings were written on my face.

Now this early morning on the 1st of August, I feel lost and sad. I don’t quite understand what’s happening.

He’s right; I did tell him! I told him numerous times. Sometimes in anger when he’d get frustrated that I wasn’t receptive to his advances. Sometimes in despair when we’d calmly talk about his needs not being met. I didn’t think you’d actually DO it! I also said I wouldn’t want to know about it!

I should have known. He’s painfully honest; can’t keep a secret. He’s told me over and over that he wouldn’t lie to me or hide anything from me. He’s not like me at all, in comparison I feel like I’m full of secrets. I’m going to need time to digest this information.

It didn’t quite strike me until 3:30 am, when I woke up – eyes wide open . Shit, he’s actually going to go ahead with this!  I wipe my tears away with a corner of the duvet for the umpteenth time. Damn, I’m sure my eyelids will have ballooned up after all these tears. I try and soothe my eyes with the back of my hands, listening to his deep and regular breathing next to me. I settle back into my pillow and try to relax to make the thumping pain in my head go away. I’m exhausted and slowly drift away.

*Beep beep beep beep..*

My eyes open again, the alarm! Already! I look over and he’s still asleep, he has no idea I just spent hours crying over something that was basically my idea. I drag myself out of bed to get ready before it’s his turn. Today is going to be long and tiring, my headache is still here, and as I glance in the mirror – yes indeed. My eyelids are huge, reddish and my eyes are watery. I look quite pathetic indeed.

“Wake up sleepyhead!” He groans and turns away, eyes closed. “Come on wake up!”

I shake him a bit until he wakes. I quickly get off the bed again and walk off to continue getting ready.

“You’ve made my eyes puffy, I look hideous and it’s all your fault!” I shout while brushing my hair. I can hear him getting up and stretching; he walks over and looks at me.

“What’s wrong? You’ve been crying?”  I swallow hard and look at the floor. “You’re jealous!”

I can’t bear to look up, or the waterworks are bound to start again.

“I don’t know” I whisper. He hugs me tightly – unusual considering he can be the grumpiest person on earth in the morning. Not just that, he generally doesn’t tend to be overly affectionate at all.

“You know I only love you! It’s only sex… You were the one who told me!” His voice sounds soft, again unusual.

“I know I did, I’m not quite sure why I’m upset.”

“You are jealous, aren’t you! Look, I love only you. Before you, I didn’t believe in marriage, I never wanted to spend my life with anyone. You’ve changed me and I’m happier for it.”

“I know…” I can feel the tears coming back. He hates it when I cry but I really can’t help it.  “I just… I’m confused. There is just this conflict going on inside of me. I’ve been trying to think all morning. And I can’t quite put my finger on it yet.”

It’s true, I really still don’t quite understand. I truly believed I could be more mature about this. I love him and I want him to be happy. He likes sex, a lot. Why can’t I think of it as a hobby? But a lifetime of cultural brainwashing apparently can’t be undone because at the same time another voice in my head says: You deserve better! This is the beginning of the end.

“Nothing will change between us, I need you to know that! I will always want you.” He’s holding me again and I bury my face in his chest. Oh but it has already changed hasn’t it. I didn’t feel this sad before!

My drive to work that morning isn’t any better. In the car I’m more preoccupied with this inner struggle than paying attention to the traffic. Just another day at the office lies ahead. Luckily a lot of people are on holiday so there are not many around to scrutinise why my face is patchy and bloated today. I just get on with it and ignore my colleagues for the most part.

But I just can’t shake the heavy feeling in my chest, the lump in my throat that just tries to travel upwards with every breath; the burning sensation in my eyes which are about to flood again. I realise that I have felt this before. It reminds me of 6 years ago, when I decided to leave my ex. Even though I didn’t have feelings for him anymore, in fact I was extremely unhappy for the last year or so, I did feel an immense sadness, a sense of loss I guess. The crying had gone on for days and I was petrified of being alone. But I couldn’t be with him anymore either. After dragging out my decision for months, our breakup was final. We didn’t stay in touch.

Is this where we’re headed? Do I need to cry my eyes out now for days, weeks? Will this calm down the battle within me until the only voice left inside my head is the one telling me to walk away? It certainly would be easier to try and cut myself off from all emotions and shut the door on this part of my life. Five years is a good run. A lot of people don’t make it this far. But I’m not ready to be a soon-to-be 27 year old divorcee. I’m not ready to give up.

It’s 5 o’clock and I wonder whether I should go shopping in order to avoid home for as long as I can. In the end I decide against it, I’m exhausted and shopping wouldn’t cheer me up anyway.  As I reach home I try to avoid eye contact.

“Hi, how was your day?” I ask.

“Oh, same old. Some customer giving me grief.”

“Yeah me too.” I quickly walk to the kitchen to cook. At least I can hide in here for a while. I try to listen to the TV to distract me from my thoughts. I just don’t want to cry anymore.

Thank god for the TV. Until I sort out the mess in my head I have nothing to say anyway. His phone is buzzing on the table; he responds to the text. I try and ignore it as I quietly eat my dinner.

We go to bed at about 11, I’m exhausted from all the emotional turmoil inside me and as I drift away I think, 24 days to go…

Continue to Not Enough – II for more.

1 August 2006 (Prologue)

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There are four of us in the bed. The room is dark and stuffy. I can hear my boyfriend snoring to my right. He’ll be my ex boyfriend soon, but he doesn’t know it yet. I lie completely still, on my back, willing myself to get comfortable and sleep but there isn’t much space. Honestly it sounds better than it is, four of us, two girls in the centre of the bed, two guys on the outer edges.

We’re in Ladakh, India, on a motorcycle tour with our local club. We got this room together to save money, standard procedure would be that two sleep on the floor in sleeping bags and two take the bed.  But it’s been a long day and we are tired and stubborn. Nobody wanted to back down and take the floor.

My boyfriend and I have been arguing almost continuously for the past few months – not in a normal amusing old couple sort of way. My school friend who is just visiting me in India has been enduring our vicious bickering for two weeks now while she stayed with us in preparation for this trip.

The other guy in the bed is a close friend; member of the same motorcycle club. One of the few people I can openly talk to even though we’ve only known each other a matter of months. They’re having a little holiday fling. No strings attached she says; Use ‘n’ throw as another club member eloquently put it. It annoys me, but I don’t know why. Maybe I’m just jealous that they’re having a bit of fun whereas I’m deeply unhappy in my own relationship? I feel a sting deep inside when she has her hands all over him and yet he’s all too willing…

They’re stirring next to me, she’s pressed up against my left due to the lack of space so even the most subtle movements are obvious to me. How dare they! Making out with others in the same room, the same bed even! I’m still lying on my back, eyes closed, trying to ignore them, but it really pisses me off.

For what seems like an eternity, they’re preoccupied with each other. It’s as if they don’t realise I’m here too, her ass pressed against my hip. I’m so angry it takes all my energy to keep quiet and not put an end to their fun. But at the same time a heat I’ve not felt before is rushes through my body and starts making me slightly sweaty. With it comes a tingly feeling rising up from between my thighs into the lower part of my stomach. It’s alien to me, I squeeze my eyes shut while trying to make sense of this inner conflict.

Suddenly I feel a soft caress on my left hand which is just resting on my pillow. Butterflies swarm inside of me; my heart skips a few beats and I try not to gasp for air. I run my fingers over the hand that has come creeping closer across the pillow. Our fingers entangled, playing, teasing. This excitement, it’s novel and unexpected. My head swims as the anger I had felt only moments earlier washes off me. It’s hard not to draw attention to myself; restless, flushed and struggling for composure. I only hope my soon-to-be-ex doesn’t wake up…

She moves next to me roughly at arm level, but it’s too dark to know for sure. Almost immediately the invading hand freezes. The pieces fall into place.  If both her hands are on him, then this spare hand must belong to…

I stroke his hand with my index finger, still overcome, yet eager for more. A smile playing on my lips as he’s encouraged to continue our little game. He reaches closer, his fingers now tracing my features one by one. I suppress a moan as he travels further down. His fingertips softly running along my chin and neck, down over my shoulder. He hesitates a little but continues down and I don’t stop him as he tenderly traces the outline of my breasts through the blanket at first before making his way under cover.

Through the deafening rush of lust coursing through my head I can just barely make out my boyfriend’s regular snore. Even my girlfriend seems to have relaxed and settled into sleep. For a fleeting moment we’re alone in the room. His hand moves up again to my face, I softly steal a kiss on his knuckles and drift off into a blissful sleep.

***

“What was that…?” His eyebrows bunched together in an inquisitive frown; last night feels like a bizarre dream. “Why didn’t you stop me?”

I can’t look at him, so I keep staring at my plate of food. I knew this conversation would happen sooner or later, but we hadn’t had a moment alone so far. Honestly, I don’t know what to say, I have no clue what came over me last night! It’s awkward. We’ve always been honest and I’ve told him things I haven’t even told my boyfriend. But now… I try to shake the lingering emotions of last night and finally look up at him.

“I don’t know, you both were enjoying yourselves, I was awake and it was really pissing me off, and your hand … “ I look down again and take a deep breath. God I hope the others don’t come back to overhear this conversation. “… I felt angry but also turned on, and your hand. It felt nice. So I played with it.” Finally, I’ve said it. I’ve admitted my confusion; we’re back to being honest. I’ve never before noticed the depth in his dark brown eyes. I could drown in your eyes. The thought unsettles me more and I force myself to look away again.

He remains silent, I guess he’s as confused as I am. I recall a conversation we had two days ago, when I was riding pillion on his motorcycle for a few hours and my boyfriend was carrying my school friend on his for a while. I had told him my decision, how unhappy I was with my boyfriend. And that I might as well move back to Europe after breaking up with him. He seemed shocked but I couldn’t put my finger on why.  I tried to change the topic by asking him about his holiday fling with my school friend. “Oh you know, it’s ok.” He had shrugged. “But I’m not that attracted to her. We have nothing to say to each other. I don’t care that much for looks, but attraction can only exist where there is an emotional connection, you know. This… it’s just sex.” – Surely not? We talk for hours, laugh at the same jokes, pour our hearts out to each other. Was he trying to say he’s attracted to me that day on the bike?

My thoughts are interrupted by the return of my (soon-to-be-ex) boyfriend and a few more club members who also settle down at the table for lunch. More food is ordered and soon everyone is engaged in all sorts of conversations. Some of the guys at my table can’t help but stare as another group of tourists comes into the restaurant and sits down at the other end of the room. There’s a girl with them; pretty, flawless olive skin, big eyes, prefect figure, wavy dark brown hair framing her perfect features.

“Wow” I my friend’s voice next to me “She’s hot. That has got to be the second most pretty face I’ve ever seen!”  Second? It’s as if he can feel my quizzing look in the back of his head, he turns to me. Nobody is paying attention, they’re all looking at the girl across the room.

“You’re the first.” He whispers at me. The strange feeling from last night makes a comeback as I nearly drop the forkful of food I’m holding and stare at him in shock. Shit! He’s got to be kidding!

***

“What are you thinking about?” His soft, kind voice brings me back to reality, away from my daydream.

“Oh I was thinking about you and your grabby hands. And the girl at the restaurant.” I smile at him, drinking in the longing and slightly worried look in his eyes. How had I overlooked this? How had I not melted away every time I saw his handsome face until a few days ago? He is perfect, masculine and strong but with a certain sadness and insecurity in him which I now find impossible to resist.

“Promise me something..” His voice sounds small.

“Hmm?”

“Don’t ever leave me. Since my ex I haven’t let anyone close to me. These few days have been amazing and it would kill me if I lost this. If I lost you.”

There is so much pain in his eyes I can hardly take it.

“Never” I whisper as I kiss him. “I’ve been telling myself not to say this to you yet, that it might scare you away because it’s too soon. But… “ I kiss him again, bursting with the overwhelming urge to take all his worries away. “I love you.”

He stops kissing me and for a moment I panic. Oh no, I’ve said it too soon! This sort of stuff freaks men out!

But instead of running he pushes me onto my back and gets on top of me, pressing hungrily against me. “I love you too.” His kiss is deep and full of passion and despair at the same time. It brings tears to my eyes as I’m overwhelmed by his need for me. I run my hands over his side and he starts to tremble at my touch. He shudders as I gently brush over his growing erection.

“Ohh” his groan is suppressed but I worry that we’ll be overheard. My (ex) boyfriend  and school friend are in the other room watching TV. We had retreated claiming to be tired. I don’t think they have any idea…

“Love me!” I gasp in his ear. “Please I want to feel you everywhere!”

“Not yet, not here. Our first time will be back home.” It feels like he’s torturing me, but he’s right. What we’re doing is so wrong although it doesn’t feel it. At the very least we should wait a little before making love. And although the fate of our breakup had been sealed for a few days now, I have yet to actually tell my (ex) boyfriend…

While I pleasure him with my hand, he is quivering above me, running his left hand deliciously over my body, discovering places he hasn’t ventured before. He stiffens, muffling his voice in the pillow as he comes, hard, in my hand. I love the effect I seem to have on him. I feel satiated myself, lying back in the bed, waiting for him to clean up and return to me.

He lies down in my arms, his head on my chest and I hold him tight while softly playing with his hair. There is nowhere I’d rather be right now.

“Can I ask you something?” His voice is even more tense and uncertain.

“Yes?”

“I mean, not now or anything, but I need to know.”

I’m intrigued and nervous.

“Would you marry me… You know, eventually?”

“Yes,” I reply in an instant. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life. He is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. “Tomorrow if you want to.”

A sigh of relief escapes his mouth as he puts his arm around me as if to pull himself deeper into my embrace.

“I always have trouble sleeping but in your arms I can relax. I’m so glad we found each other.” Indeed, we’re just two desperate people who were lucky to find each other.

His eyes close and within minutes he drifts off. Carefully I get my arm out from underneath him so we’re not discovered like this. I curl up in the sleeping bag on the floor and fall asleep as well, listening to the reassuring sound of his deep, regular breathing coming from the bed. I can hardly believe he’s mine.

This was the introduction to a bigger story I’m working on. Please continue to Not Enough – I

The Job Interview

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It’s only 9:30am and already I can smell his armpits from across the large, shiny desk. What a complete creep! If I didn’t need the money I would’ve cut the interview short and made my escape by now…

My brain is on autopilot as he witters on about what he expects from me, I try to keep eye contact to a minimum while uttering generic responses where appropriate. “Yes I understand,” I say. Punctuality is important, got it. My eyes wander around the room, over the posed photographs of him sharing a handshake with some equally pompous looking dick. Dick – an appropriate nickname for Richard Porter – purchasing manager at the large electronic components distributor where I will be working soon. By now I’ve seen enough of the over dressed hardboard office from where he rules his domain and I stealthily glance through the window that overlooks the office floor. The desks are arranged in groups of three or four with partition walls surrounding each cluster. Most group arrangements that I can see are fully occupied except one.

“Yes indeed I’m very excited to start my career here …” I hear myself say. I give Richard – Dick – a quick glance. Pointless, he’s still looking at my cleavage. Perhaps I should offer him a tissue. I try to breathe through my mouth to avoid the “manly” smell he’s producing.

Outside on the office floor the man who sits alone in a grouping of three desks catches my eye. He turns around on his chair as he answers the phone and only now I can fully appreciate him. His full head of dark blonde hair, a bit messy and just slightly longer than intended. A perfect face, if there can be such a thing. Completely regular features and a straight nose as if copied from an ancient Greek statue; not that I recall seeing many Greek statues of a man of his size. I can’t tell their exact colour from here but even at this distance his eyes exude kindness and warmth. He looks so serious, speaking into the phone with his full, sensual lips and a thoughtful look on his face.

I let my eyes travel down over his body – he’s definitely a big guy, but it’s hard to get a good look while he’s sat in the chair. I can tell however that his belly is straining ever so slightly against the white pin striped shirt he’s wearing, in fact he should probably go a size up. The sight is delicious although I’m certain I’d prefer the shirt off all together. The extra weight he’s carrying excites me beyond belief. He is so exactly my type, it’s unnerving. My mind instantly conjures up glimpses of him, on top of me, his broad arms cradling me as he leans in for a kiss. Oh what I could do to this man.

“So you’ll handle a few easier accounts at first, we’ll look at expanding this subject to successful completion of your trial period which lasts three months,” Dick says.

“Mm-Hm,” I answer, “three month trial period, yes. “ I try to regain composure, to hide the breathlessness I feel, but I can’t take my eyes off my favourite future colleague outside.

Oh No! What’s wrong? The gorgeous face I had just been admiring has twisted into an expression of pain. He’s still on the phone but stopped speaking. Instantly my feelings of lust have dissipated, replaced by concern. It’s as if I can feel his pain from over here.

“So who will I be working with?” I turn to Dick who is now finally looking up from my chest as well.
“Oh you’ll be working under Jonathan Hall, Senior Purchaser here at Aspect Technologies” he says as he motions over to the one occupied desk in a cluster of three, my Mr. Perfect.

“Great, I guess I’ll see you in two weeks then.” I shake Dick’s hand as I get up, still a bit flustered by the sights I had been admiring just moments ago. While Dick walks me towards the elevator I steal one last look at my future colleague. He is sitting completely still, staring at nothing while still holding the phone in mid air. I try to give him a warm smile as I walk right through the path of his gaze, but he is completely oblivious.

This will serve as the prologue to my current WIP, would appreciate any feedback to let me know if I’m on the right track! 🙂
L.

Please continue reading First Day at Work for the next installment of this story.

Why “50 Shades” just worked

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Lately I’ve been discussing this topic with friends and so it got me thinking. I can’t speak for a lot of other ladies out there, but at first I did find it odd that a book of that sort made it so big. It speaks volumes of how open minded we have become as a society (or want to appear anyway).

Curiosity got the better of me and I decided to see for myself what the attraction was. I was at a point in my life where I was feeling a bit resentful towards everyone, as a result I decided towards the beginning of the first book that Christian is an asshole.

However I had to keep reading to find out what would happen next…

And before I knew it I kept reaching over for the Kindle app on my phone while sitting on the sofa and watching TV, while queuing at the supermarket check out, yes even while stuck in traffic on my way to work! What’s more, that really pissed me off! I was fully prepared to hate these books, and yet I had gotten sucked in.

Don’t get me wrong, there is a LOT wrong with them. From the language to the repetitive sex scenes… In fact the sex left me pretty cold overall. I couldn’t identify with the main character – Ana – at all, which I guess was the main problem for me.

But, as I continued reading, I couldn’t help but want things to turn out well for both of them. Sure, Christian is a total freak and basically acts like a stalker. But there was something there…

Well for me, I guess I’ve figured it out, and you may quote me on that!

I think, deep down, we want to believe in the fairy tale that love conquers all. That even the most fucked up man can be magically cured if only the right woman came along. If only her love was pure enough and she cared for him and he could see that he was worthy. We all want to be that woman.

BUT: We also realise that these feelings are a bit patronising and embarrassing. So 50 Shades worked because we could have the guilty pleasure of watching our favourite kind of  romantic fairytale unfold. And then turn around and tell our girlfriends that we basically read it for the kinky sex. 

I know I didn’t.

Kinks & Fantasies 1 – Virgins

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Over the years I have become aware of certain interests I have which may be unusual. Of course he internet is a great resource for seeking out like minded individuals (or discovering new things you couldn’t have dreamt up yourself)! But the fact remains that some of the things I think or dream about are not very well publicised at all. I would like to change this.This post is the first in a series where I touch upon my deepest darkest fantasies…

Virgins
It seems to be fairly common place for men to prefer a virgin as a partner. I’m assuming the main draw is that the girl would be considered innocent and pure. Even if one takes out the obvious religious aspect of this preference, it seems to be quite a common fantasy still.

But the same cannot be said for women who fantasize about having sex with a male virgin. In fact I have found comparatively little mention of this online, with most women having opposing preferences (a more experienced partner who could provide more satisfaction in the sack).

That however doesn’t change that I have a great fascination with this topic and would very much love to be a man’s first sexual partner. Unfortunately even my first time wasn’t with another virgin so I haven’t had the pleasure. – In fact I am so fascinated by it that this topic will feature heavily in the book I’m currently writing.

The appeal for me is probably mostly that I could take the dominant role in the bedroom whereas in the past I’ve always been the least experienced and shy as a result. I would be the knowledgeable mentor or teacher. I could make someone feel different (hopefully better) than he has ever felt before. Also, I have a real soft spot for men with a shy side to them.

Or as some people might think, I might be just a devious bitch who wants to corrupt the innocence of as many men as possible. But I’d never say that about myself, obviously.

I would love to connect with other women who feel this way too. If you can relate, why not leave a comment?

Shiny new blog!

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Those that know me will know I am a bit of a serial blog starter who gets very excited for a few weeks before letting the blog die a horrible death. Well, not this time – I’m serious!

I have been very productive writing some erotic fiction lately with a view to publishing it on Kindle. Although this isn’t my first writing project, it differs in the sense that it is fiction rather than non fiction. So it’ll be a totally new experience for me and hopefully one that will allow me to grow as a writer and as a woman.

The work I’ve done so far has been very enjoyable indeed and I hope to be able to showcase some of it on this blog very shortly. Hopefully I will be able to bring some pleasure to others through my writing 🙂

X
Lorelei