There are four of us in the bed. The room is dark and stuffy. I can hear my boyfriend snoring to my right. He’ll be my ex boyfriend soon, but he doesn’t know it yet. I lie completely still, on my back, willing myself to get comfortable and sleep but there isn’t much space. Honestly it sounds better than it is, four of us, two girls in the centre of the bed, two guys on the outer edges.

We’re in Ladakh, India, on a motorcycle tour with our local club. We got this room together to save money, standard procedure would be that two sleep on the floor in sleeping bags and two take the bed.  But it’s been a long day and we are tired and stubborn. Nobody wanted to back down and take the floor.

My boyfriend and I have been arguing almost continuously for the past few months – not in a normal amusing old couple sort of way. My school friend who is just visiting me in India has been enduring our vicious bickering for two weeks now while she stayed with us in preparation for this trip.

The other guy in the bed is a close friend; member of the same motorcycle club. One of the few people I can openly talk to even though we’ve only known each other a matter of months. They’re having a little holiday fling. No strings attached she says; Use ‘n’ throw as another club member eloquently put it. It annoys me, but I don’t know why. Maybe I’m just jealous that they’re having a bit of fun whereas I’m deeply unhappy in my own relationship? I feel a sting deep inside when she has her hands all over him and yet he’s all too willing…

They’re stirring next to me, she’s pressed up against my left due to the lack of space so even the most subtle movements are obvious to me. How dare they! Making out with others in the same room, the same bed even! I’m still lying on my back, eyes closed, trying to ignore them, but it really pisses me off.

For what seems like an eternity, they’re preoccupied with each other. It’s as if they don’t realise I’m here too, her ass pressed against my hip. I’m so angry it takes all my energy to keep quiet and not put an end to their fun. But at the same time a heat I’ve not felt before is rushes through my body and starts making me slightly sweaty. With it comes a tingly feeling rising up from between my thighs into the lower part of my stomach. It’s alien to me, I squeeze my eyes shut while trying to make sense of this inner conflict.

Suddenly I feel a soft caress on my left hand which is just resting on my pillow. Butterflies swarm inside of me; my heart skips a few beats and I try not to gasp for air. I run my fingers over the hand that has come creeping closer across the pillow. Our fingers entangled, playing, teasing. This excitement, it’s novel and unexpected. My head swims as the anger I had felt only moments earlier washes off me. It’s hard not to draw attention to myself; restless, flushed and struggling for composure. I only hope my soon-to-be-ex doesn’t wake up…

She moves next to me roughly at arm level, but it’s too dark to know for sure. Almost immediately the invading hand freezes. The pieces fall into place.  If both her hands are on him, then this spare hand must belong to…

I stroke his hand with my index finger, still overcome, yet eager for more. A smile playing on my lips as he’s encouraged to continue our little game. He reaches closer, his fingers now tracing my features one by one. I suppress a moan as he travels further down. His fingertips softly running along my chin and neck, down over my shoulder. He hesitates a little but continues down and I don’t stop him as he tenderly traces the outline of my breasts through the blanket at first before making his way under cover.

Through the deafening rush of lust coursing through my head I can just barely make out my boyfriend’s regular snore. Even my girlfriend seems to have relaxed and settled into sleep. For a fleeting moment we’re alone in the room. His hand moves up again to my face, I softly steal a kiss on his knuckles and drift off into a blissful sleep.

***

“What was that…?” His eyebrows bunched together in an inquisitive frown; last night feels like a bizarre dream. “Why didn’t you stop me?”

I can’t look at him, so I keep staring at my plate of food. I knew this conversation would happen sooner or later, but we hadn’t had a moment alone so far. Honestly, I don’t know what to say, I have no clue what came over me last night! It’s awkward. We’ve always been honest and I’ve told him things I haven’t even told my boyfriend. But now… I try to shake the lingering emotions of last night and finally look up at him.

“I don’t know, you both were enjoying yourselves, I was awake and it was really pissing me off, and your hand … “ I look down again and take a deep breath. God I hope the others don’t come back to overhear this conversation. “… I felt angry but also turned on, and your hand. It felt nice. So I played with it.” Finally, I’ve said it. I’ve admitted my confusion; we’re back to being honest. I’ve never before noticed the depth in his dark brown eyes. I could drown in your eyes. The thought unsettles me more and I force myself to look away again.

He remains silent, I guess he’s as confused as I am. I recall a conversation we had two days ago, when I was riding pillion on his motorcycle for a few hours and my boyfriend was carrying my school friend on his for a while. I had told him my decision, how unhappy I was with my boyfriend. And that I might as well move back to Europe after breaking up with him. He seemed shocked but I couldn’t put my finger on why.  I tried to change the topic by asking him about his holiday fling with my school friend. “Oh you know, it’s ok.” He had shrugged. “But I’m not that attracted to her. We have nothing to say to each other. I don’t care that much for looks, but attraction can only exist where there is an emotional connection, you know. This… it’s just sex.” – Surely not? We talk for hours, laugh at the same jokes, pour our hearts out to each other. Was he trying to say he’s attracted to me that day on the bike?

My thoughts are interrupted by the return of my (soon-to-be-ex) boyfriend and a few more club members who also settle down at the table for lunch. More food is ordered and soon everyone is engaged in all sorts of conversations. Some of the guys at my table can’t help but stare as another group of tourists comes into the restaurant and sits down at the other end of the room. There’s a girl with them; pretty, flawless olive skin, big eyes, prefect figure, wavy dark brown hair framing her perfect features.

“Wow” I my friend’s voice next to me “She’s hot. That has got to be the second most pretty face I’ve ever seen!”  Second? It’s as if he can feel my quizzing look in the back of his head, he turns to me. Nobody is paying attention, they’re all looking at the girl across the room.

“You’re the first.” He whispers at me. The strange feeling from last night makes a comeback as I nearly drop the forkful of food I’m holding and stare at him in shock. Shit! He’s got to be kidding!

***

“What are you thinking about?” His soft, kind voice brings me back to reality, away from my daydream.

“Oh I was thinking about you and your grabby hands. And the girl at the restaurant.” I smile at him, drinking in the longing and slightly worried look in his eyes. How had I overlooked this? How had I not melted away every time I saw his handsome face until a few days ago? He is perfect, masculine and strong but with a certain sadness and insecurity in him which I now find impossible to resist.

“Promise me something..” His voice sounds small.

“Hmm?”

“Don’t ever leave me. Since my ex I haven’t let anyone close to me. These few days have been amazing and it would kill me if I lost this. If I lost you.”

There is so much pain in his eyes I can hardly take it.

“Never” I whisper as I kiss him. “I’ve been telling myself not to say this to you yet, that it might scare you away because it’s too soon. But… “ I kiss him again, bursting with the overwhelming urge to take all his worries away. “I love you.”

He stops kissing me and for a moment I panic. Oh no, I’ve said it too soon! This sort of stuff freaks men out!

But instead of running he pushes me onto my back and gets on top of me, pressing hungrily against me. “I love you too.” His kiss is deep and full of passion and despair at the same time. It brings tears to my eyes as I’m overwhelmed by his need for me. I run my hands over his side and he starts to tremble at my touch. He shudders as I gently brush over his growing erection.

“Ohh” his groan is suppressed but I worry that we’ll be overheard. My (ex) boyfriend  and school friend are in the other room watching TV. We had retreated claiming to be tired. I don’t think they have any idea…

“Love me!” I gasp in his ear. “Please I want to feel you everywhere!”

“Not yet, not here. Our first time will be back home.” It feels like he’s torturing me, but he’s right. What we’re doing is so wrong although it doesn’t feel it. At the very least we should wait a little before making love. And although the fate of our breakup had been sealed for a few days now, I have yet to actually tell my (ex) boyfriend…

While I pleasure him with my hand, he is quivering above me, running his left hand deliciously over my body, discovering places he hasn’t ventured before. He stiffens, muffling his voice in the pillow as he comes, hard, in my hand. I love the effect I seem to have on him. I feel satiated myself, lying back in the bed, waiting for him to clean up and return to me.

He lies down in my arms, his head on my chest and I hold him tight while softly playing with his hair. There is nowhere I’d rather be right now.

“Can I ask you something?” His voice is even more tense and uncertain.

“Yes?”

“I mean, not now or anything, but I need to know.”

I’m intrigued and nervous.

“Would you marry me… You know, eventually?”

“Yes,” I reply in an instant. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life. He is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. “Tomorrow if you want to.”

A sigh of relief escapes his mouth as he puts his arm around me as if to pull himself deeper into my embrace.

“I always have trouble sleeping but in your arms I can relax. I’m so glad we found each other.” Indeed, we’re just two desperate people who were lucky to find each other.

His eyes close and within minutes he drifts off. Carefully I get my arm out from underneath him so we’re not discovered like this. I curl up in the sleeping bag on the floor and fall asleep as well, listening to the reassuring sound of his deep, regular breathing coming from the bed. I can hardly believe he’s mine.

This was the introduction to a bigger story I’m working on. Please continue to Not Enough – I